Sometimes life gives you M&M’s. Eat them.
Confronting ignorance in a way that makes people laugh. Win!
I am not a cat person. I do not post cat things as most people on the internet do. However, this is an exception, as these cats seem to have a special poetic understanding of my perosnal life pain and daily misery. I had no idea they felt so deeply as do I. They have earned the right to be on a page about feeling in the extremes.
I believe people with tattoos in foreign languages should begin a movement. When asked what your tattoo says we should all reply very seriously with ” If you can see this tattoo, it means you are one of us. We don’t have much time. You will be contacted soon.” Then nod your head at them and resume normal conversation. Who is with me? 🙂
People always ask me, “How have you managed to be so thin after having 4 kids!” or “You are SO SKINNY! How do you do it?!”. So, as a result of these continuous questions, I have decided to put together a list of my best tips on how I have maintained my thin body and how to lose the baby weight after having children. I am sure if you follow this list, you will receive the same results I have! A thin body that everyone wants to question you about. However, it is important that you follow it exactly as written as any deviation could result in less than desirable results.
(Warning: Side Effects may include but are not limited to, a butt that runs away…but that is what boob implants are for. Am I right?!)
Pigtailed Bandit’s Guide to a Thin, Trim, No butt Thing
1. If you insist on torturing your beautiful body with having children, do it while you are young. It is true that the younger you are the faster your body bounces back. I started at 19. But I say, the younger the better. Teen moms can pop out a kid and be back to their size 2’s in a month. Remember, younger the better!
2. Once you begin having children, have a minimum of 4. This way you are constantly running here or there, stressed out of your mind, and have no time to eat except maybe at midnight which brings me to my next tip.
3. When eating, only eat late at night, while in yoga pants, and make sure it is cake, ice cream, or something devilish and completely satisfying. It is your one time to eat, so make it count, enjoy it, do it yoga pants to prevent the calories from sinking in, and make sure to only do it late at night. The kids are sure to wake up and need you before you have enough time to over eat at this point anyway, so enjoy it for the 3.5 minutes you have of pure heaven. Again, this tip leads me right into my fourth tip.
4. When choosing a spouse to have your children with, ONLY chose a spouse that is your soul-mate, who you cannot be apart from but who has chosen a career that is high stress, high danger, and with long periods of being away from you. This is a major tip. This way, you add significant amounts of stress to your daily routine which automatically will let you drop those pounds. This tip also includes an automatic workout and weight busting plan:
- Does not allow you to eat as you will be caring for All of the offspring yourself and ALL of the domestic duties yourself.
- It will also not allow you to relieve stress with your spouse on dates, special moments during the day, or sexual relations. So the 3.5 moments of heaven at midnight with your devilish eating will be your only release.
- You will worry about your soul-mate in ways other people will have no concept of
- You will not sleep
- You will cry continually ( again another great calorie buster)
- Multi-task with the best of them
- Never have a break
- Be constantly listening to one of your children rattling on about one thing or another (which has to burn calories)
- Be cooking all meals in a hot kitchen (Sweating it out)
- Lifting dead weights constantly ( as one of your numerous children will undoubtedly be throwing a temper tantrum)
- Arm workout to the max as you will learn to breastfeed baby in one arm while carrying another child in the other arm and managing other children with special brain powers learned over time
- Running from one appointment to the next (whether it be the doctors, work, parent teacher conference, dentist, ER visit, car maintenance, car breaking down, childrens’ sports activities, childrens’ after school programs, childrens’ friend’s houses, etc.
- Squats as you pick up toys, remove toys from the bottoms of your feet -ouch!, pick up children, wash boo boos, tuck children into bed, read stories, give hugs, change bed sheets, etc.
- sit ups as you lay down and get up from bed as your children continually need things, in succession, from you all night long
5. Make sure you have some type of trauma from your past that is unresolved. Any trauma will do as long as you make sure it is unresolved, laying away quietly in your subconscious, just smoldering, and waiting for the perfect time to ruin your life.
6. Have a poor self image. This one is important. Make sure your internal dialogue is always negative so that you never feel you are doing good enough. So that tomorrow you will do more. Try adding more to your schedule everyday. All the while telling yourself that everyone else is doing everything better than you are.
7. Make sure you follow these steps for years on end. Don’t talk to anyone about this. Let the stress build continually. Then one day, let all of this current stress and your simmering trauma from your past all come together and have a nervous break down. Make sure it is a full blown nervous break down. This is important. It has to be a good, full sized nervous break down so that the doctors will give you pills. When they do put you on pills, tell the doctor specifically that you only want pills that will not make you gain weight. They will then put you on a pill that will lower your appetite. It’s not going to make you lose weight most likely, but it will help you not gain anymore. Stay dedicated to the process. Remind yourself, you are almost there. Add a vigorous exercise routine to further exhaust your body. Remind yourself you are apart from your spouse and how much that hurts your soul. Anything to keep you motivated and on the plan! You can do it!
8.Now, internalize all of this. Constantly tell yourself what a complete and utter failure you are! Let this stress you out completely to the point of devastation! Make sure this devastating stress and anxiety ends up somewhere in your stomach. This will create a scenario where your stomach will cease to function correctly. You will develop some kind of disorder in which you cannot eat and process food normally. At this point, pat yourself on the back! You have completed the program! You are a Thin, Trim, and no Butt thing!
Hopefully, after all this work, since more than likely your life is a mess, your butt has run away, and your boobs hang to the ground when not wearing an expensive, supportive bra, you have at least saved enough money for a breast augmentation!
I wish you the best of luck! Not everyone will be able to be as lucky as I am and complete the program and become a THIN, TRIM, NO BUTT THING!!!!