Someone recently asked why I didn’t ever smile in pictures and told me I always looked lifeless. I was taken aback by this statement. I thought I did smile. Now looking at my pictures I suppose I don’t smile ear to ear but there is some effort to turn the corners of my lips up isn’t there?
Than I began to wonder. Am I lifeless…all the time? Even when I think I am happy? Even when I think I am smiling? Maybe I am lifeless and I trick myself into thinking there is a smile, a real laugh, a moment of true joy coming from my soul when really there is just lifelessness still. Maybe the picture just freezes the moment of time and emphasizes the lack of life in my womanly shell trying to turn my lips to the sky in an effort to blend in. To not let others know that I died years ago.
Now, I put on makeup and walk around amongst the living but I am just a lifeless zombie, taking pharmaceuticals that make me think I am still alive. That make me think I am smiling in my pictures. When really, others just look at my pictures and wonder why does that girl not smile in her photographs?
I am the dark side of such an evolved gift of science. The one no one wants to think about. The side that when someone dies. Someone who desires and knows it is best to die does die and then is brought back by the miracles of science…I am the zombie that remains. The one no one knows what to do with. The one that science doesn’t know yet how to cure just how to let linger. I guess how to let be the one who thinks she smiles in pictures but is lifeless. Strange. I am living yet lifeless. I am happy yet no one knows when I am…not even myself. I was dead…yet now I live not knowing how to live. So here I sit. Perched. Waiting. For what I do not know. Maybe until science figures out how to truly bring me back to life fully. How to fix the lifeless part in my pictures. How to let me know when I am smiling.
Because somehow, since I died, I’ve been stuck in the middle. Only, the ironic part is I am as far from balanced as possible. Not fully alive. Not fully dead. Only able to live in extremes. Only able to long for what I remember of death. Only able to remember how much I loved you the day after you have slipped away. My laugh rarely escaping my lips any longer. Stuck in the silence of lifelessness too. Where there is no time. My emotions are trapped in timelessness. And my pictures are full of lifelessness.